The Homestudy : Part One

If you are adopting and are wondering what is a home study and what happens, I will be glad to share what I know with you.

We did a domestic adoption so I can not say out of the country adoption home studies are the same. It depends on what the particular country wants to know about you.

The agency that did our home study has actually closed now, which makes me sad, they were absolutely wonderful to work with. The social worker they assigned us, was actually adopted herself, and she offered us some insight, on how to handle telling our daughter. She is a wonderful warm person.
They sent us lots of papers to fill out. Tons of questions to answer. Most of which you have no idea you are going to be asked. I will list some of them here.

How were you raised? How well do you get along with your parents now? As a teenager? How were you disciplined? Were you spanked, grounded, time outs, items taken away from you? They asked all kinds of questions about extended family and siblings. We were asked how we plan to discipline, how we plan to tell our daughter she's adopted. How we felt about birth moms in general, did we think they were bad people for giving up their child? How do your parents get along? Now & when you were growing up. Worst time of your life, best time of your life, each and as a couple. They want stories from your childhood, young adulthood, and now. Etc, etc.

They give you a thorough examination of your childhood, your life from birth until the point at which your hire them to do your home study. I will not lie it is invasive, and you are asked some questions that you have no idea how to answer, you are scared to tell the truth, and scared not to tell the truth. However, you will survive it, and you might learn something about yourself or your spouse in the process.

The biggest thing that bothered us was how many times we were asked the same questions by everyone involved in our adoption process. We felt like a broken record, that was hard. You wonder why can't all these people share your information?

Our first visit with our social worker was actually very pleasant. We enjoyed talking with her so much, we didn't want her to leave. She was actually the first human face we had met involved in our adoption. She was full of answers and advice. She looked over our home , they do this to make sure you have a safe environment to raise a child. They are not looking for dirt or skeletons in the closet, however I would recommend a clean house to show them. After her walk through we sat at the dining room table and just went over all of the questions we had been given to answer at an earlier date. She then asked some additional questions about our life, each and together. She then took her notes and wrote a story about us!! It was wonderful.

Next Visit with her was after baby comes home!!

Just A Note....

My daughter told me yesterday that she loved me. Which I knew she did, every time she brings those little arms around my neck so tight and squeezes, it just warms me all over, but to hear her say it. AWESOME , whether or not she really understands it yet!!

I am her disciplinarian I am mainly the one who is always telling her no, and popping her little chubby hands if she is into mischief and I've already told her no. I worried that she would not like me, and like her daddy and granny more than me because they let her get away with a lot more than I do. I am trying to teach my beautiful baby to pick up her toys, stay out of mommy's cabinets, and not to touch other people's things, not to do things that will hurt her, and to listen to mommy, because after all mommy knows best!! Not that her daddy or granny would let her get hurt, but she gets away with a lot more than I let her! Which I am learning from other people this is the natural order of things!!

I see lots of children today who get away with everything because parents are so afraid to tell them "NO". All these new politically correct ways to correct your children. I watch children whose parents say "no', but don't follow through. The worst thing you can do to your child is make empty threats. You are teaching them you can't be trusted. If you won't follow through on discipline, then you won't follow through on much else. Children quickly figure this out. I never make a threat or promise I don't keep. I follow through no matter what. I want my daughter to know when I say something I mean it. That goes for rewards also. I want her to know she can trust mommy no matter what. Hopefully creating this bond now will help in her tween & teen years. I want her to know that she can trust me & come to me her problems.

First Adoption talk

Well, the other day my beautiful daughter and I were in her "new Room" lounging on her new purple bean bag, her with her kitty and her pap pap in her mouth, me just there. I started off our conversation. "Sophie, you know you are adopted." She turns her tiny head towards me and says "uh huh" (which is her new favorite word, and answer to most questions)..I say to her "that means someone else carried you in her tummy under her heart for mommy, because mommy can't carry babies, did you know that?" again she turns her sweet tiny head to me and says "uh huh" I continue to tell her that I love her just as if I had carried her in my tummy, under my heart for 9 months. Again she says "uh huh" I go on to tell her where she was born, who carried her for mommy, and how she became part of our family. It went very well I think. Even though she doesn't really understand what I was saying I figure by the time she does understand I will have my "adoption" conversation down pat. One of my biggest fears is that one day she will feel lonely and out of place. So I keep reading on how to how to help her understand that adoption is a decision made out of love and not one of abandonment. I was extremely scared of "open adoption", but now I am so happy we decided it would be okay. I love her birth mom and birth family, and I want her to know them, love them, and have them in her life.

It is my opinion that an open adoption and knowing your birth story, will keep the fantasy of "One day my "real parents" are going to come and get me" away. She will know why she was placed for adoption into our family, and she will know by who. She will understand we are mom & dad and will always be here for her no matter what and that we love her so much, and that she has another family who also cares about her.

So as I end our conversation I tell her "We'll have this conversation many times, and mommy will always tell you what you want to know, okay baby?' She turns her tiny head towards me and says "Okay baby."