Don't let these words scare the bejeezers out of you! I'll admit they terrified us at first. BUT I am so glad we chose this option. For so many reasons.....
We were warned by family members don't do an open adoption, you don't want them telling you how to raise your child, you don't want them changing their mind, you don't want them involved. My worst warning.....from a family member "I know someone who adopted and the birth mother kept coming to their house wanting things......and wanting money and to see the baby all the time." Yikes!! These things are very scary.
I pray that you do not ever encounter such horror stories. I feel that are very rare, but no one should ever encounter these issues.
We love our birthmother very much. We have contact through facebook, and are even planning a trip to where she lives in the next year or two. (It's pretty far away from us but still in the USA)
The group we worked with during our adoption prepared us very well for an open adoption. We had contact with our birthmother before the baby was born, and we were even prompted to discuss some of the questions we had answered with her. She even admitted she didn't approve of spanking (we do) but said it was our child and it would be up to us!
(Don't worry we don't beat our child.....
or really spank very often)
We even have contact with the birth grandmother and the sister of our birthmother. Which is awesome in my opinion. You can never have too many people that love you. They don't in any way interfere, but they comment on photos and such. They are wonderful people who want to keep up with their relative! I personally can't wait to see them all again. Our daughter knows about them, she doesn't really understand it all yet, she sees their pictures, and she will ask to see their pictures. I periodically talk to her about her being adopted, and she will tell you she another mom and that's whose tummy she was born from. BUT I am her mommy. I do not feel threatened by this at all. I want her to know how she became our baby and part of our family. Equally I want her to know her birth family and why they gave her to us. I never want her to have feelings of they didn't want me, they don't love me, or one day they will come and get me! Through open adoption, she will know her story, it will be part of her life, and her "normal".
At first the reason we were comfortable with open adoption I'll admit..... was because the birthmother is quite a few states away from us. However, now sometimes we wish we were closer!
I do realize some adoption situations don't allow for open adoptions, and that's okay too, but if you can have an open adoption it is something you should consider.
I got to spend the baby's first night in the hospital in the room with the birthmother, and we talked a lot that night. I'm so glad we had that opportunity because I got to know her a little better, and having that time with her completely set my mind at ease as to whether or not she would change her mind. Also a very scary time for adoptive parents. Once the baby was released from the hospital we even had the birth mother, the birth half-sister , a birth cousin, the birth grandmother, and the birth aunt over to our hotel room several times to spend time with the baby and us! We have lots of pictures of our daughter with her birth family in those first days, and I believe they will be very special to our daughter one day. We even had dinner with them the night before we left to come back home. We also had dinner with them before the baby was born, and they gave us a lot of information of what we might encounter with our baby. Traits of the family, how smart she might be, allergies she may have and so forth. It was so enjoyable, and as I look back ...we were nervous, that they may not like us, well if they didn't they hid it well, but we are SO thankful we had all that time with her birth family. My father and my husbands birth father still don't love the fact that we are in touch with the birth family, but it's growing on them. I know they are just worried they will see how cute, adorable, and loving our daughter is and want her "back", but as I see it, they have her, just at a distance, and they know they can call her, write her, and even come visit her if they want to. They get to see her grow up, and although at times it may be hard on them, I truly believe they look at us, the way we look at them....as extended family. Which I believe you can never have to much of!