The New Year

Well, Christmas is over and the new year is about to start. I don't make new year resolutions, because I always end up breaking them. However there are some things I NEED to do different this year! I MUST get my diet and blood sugar under control. I don't want to be a burden to my baby girl one day. I MUST get busy on this blog, and provide you with the answers you need. I know those questions about adoption ! I hope to accomplish getting the actual forms and questions , procedures and so forth on here so that when you sign up for an adoption, maybe you won't be as lost as we were!!! I MUST get my jewelry business bringing in some steady income!! Okay, that's what I have planned. I'll have to check back here in a year and see how far I got! I would like to start a frequently asked questions section for this blog, so if you have any specific questions about adoption in general, please post them in a comment and I will begin answering and posting all questions, for everyone to see!!!

Hope your year is as wonderful as I FEEL like mine is going to be!!!

Christmas Joy

Oh my goodness where has the time gone? I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month.

Well the jewelry business has picked up considerably, actually it has been very busy. This along with getting ready for Christmas, and trying to get my house and my life back together after our kitchen fire, I guess I just haven't had time!!

I am so VERY excited about this Christmas. One thing I can definitely say is that God is so good, and He always provides if you believe. We have had a hard time this year financially. I wondered where we'd get the money for Sophie's Christmas, and my jewelry business kicked it up, and paid for Sophie's Christmas. She is getting a dollhouse and I absolutely can not wait to play with her. I see some very important mommy & baby time coming up. She is so precious. She is becoming so independent and so FUNNY!! She makes faces at us to make us laugh, and her personality is the sweetest, most adorable, most helpful. If she spills something she immediately gets a "nakin" to wipe it up, if the phone rings she brings it to me, she tells her cousins they are "makin a mess" and helps me to pick it up, she takes her toys to her room, she is just so eager to be helpful. I want to buy her the world, give her everything, shower her with all the wonderful things life has to give, but the only thing she really needs is our love and to know God.

We set up a nativity this year, and she is fascinated by the baby Jesus, she says "look mommy a baby, aawww is so koot" I know she doesn't get it yet, and I can't wait to teach her over the years what the nativity is and that this nativity was built by her papa and it was always in my grandparents for as long as I can remember, and now I get to carry on this tradition. I am so disappointed she won't get to meet my grandmother. My grandmother loved Christmas, and I want to instill the wonder and joy in Sophie that she instilled in me.

I want her to know how much she means to us, and how she is the best Christmas present we ever got (even if she was born in January). I had forgotten a lot of the wonder and joy of Christmas until she came along. It's so easy to get caught up in the "gifting" part of the holiday, but I find myself wanting to teach her the true miracle of Christmas, and letting her know it's not about getting, but about giving, and doing for others, just as Jesus so selflessly gave for us. I want her to know she is our Christmas Joy, and she brought back to us the true meaning of giving.

Love For My Daughter

Wow ! It's almost been 15 days since I've blogged about things. I have been so busy with my jewelry business, the mess from my kitchen fire, my volunteer job, and taking care of my house and family, I often forget to blog. I don't have many followers yet, but this is my space to vent, reflect, and discuss (even if it is just with me ;) ) things going on in the life of my daughter and our family.

Yesterday for some reason I got extremely worried about my daughter getting the swine flu, she has not received her flu shot yet I called to make the appt. but they were booked.....they told me to call back in a few weeks....what???

Anyway,
I got to thinking about all the things I love about her and I shared some of them on my personnel face book page, but I want to share them and more here. Here goes:

I love her personality, her heart, her attitude, her sweet little voice, her helpfulness, her thoughtfulness, the way she loves her daddy, the way she says "I love chou mama", I love the way she dances when we fix her chocolate milk, I love the way she loves kitty kitties, I love the way she asks for "chokit", I love the way she says "mama I wanna hold chou", I love when she puts those sweet little arms around my neck, I love how she plays tickle, tickle, I love when she sings, I love when she falls asleep in my arms, I love the way she loves her granny Gale and papa Ski, I love the way she says "looky, looky," when she sees something she likes, I love the she says pawpaw, I LOVE the way she laughs, I LOVE her with all my heart. I can't get enough of this precious Angel, God has given me to raise and protect. I could hold her until the cows come home EVERYDAY.

If you are considering adoption, and one of your doubts is whether or not you will love your baby, I hope I can help take some of that worry off of your heart, I know those doubts, I know those worries, but let me tell you, even if I had carried this Angel under my heart for nine months, I do not know how I could possibly love her any more. She is my world, she is my heart, she is my life, she is the love of my life. This angel from God saved my soul from so much despair. This angel makes everyday worth getting up for. This angel has made me complete. This angel has brought my husband and I together closer than before, and I thought we were so close before. This angel has made my LIFE complete.

???? WHY ????

The question why? My daughter who is not quite two years old yet, has started asking why? This blows me away I thought I had about a year more before this started? WHY?? I ask you. It is so adorable, she'll say "what's that?" I'll answer her. She says "Why?" That little sweet voice is the most precious thing I have ever heard!! Her little mind is exactly like a sponge...it's amazing to watch her soak up information and process it, you can almost see her little wheels turning. You can just about guess what's coming out of that sweet little mouth next. I guess the questions about her adoption and birth family won't be far behind. I guess it's time to have the "Adoption Talk" again. I don't want the words to be unfamiliar to her, I want this story to be her normal. I want her to know everything she wants to know. I do kind of wish I never had to tell her. I am not a person who likes change, and my fear is the understanding of adoption will change our relationship. I just want to make her little life as pain free as I can. If anyone has adopted out there or if you were adopted I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject. I guess honesty is the best policy, but I do worry about the question "Why?" when she's asking me why her birth mom placed her for adoption. I just hope I can make this knowledge a part of her life and not something she is hurt by. Does that make sense?I love this little girl with all of my heart, and I want her to be so wrapped up in our love that being adopted will be no big deal. I know I have mentioned this before, I am so worried she will feel out of place and that she will resent us for taking her from her birth family. She is one special little girl, and her birth family are a very special group of people, and I have become "friends" with them in a way. We stay in contact through face book mainly, and they are very sweet people that I want my daughter to know. I just don't ever want her to hurt, or feel out of place, or feel like she wasn't wanted. I want to teach her God had a plan, and His plan was for her to be our daughter and since I couldn't have a baby, He chose another mommy to carry her for me, and give her to me after she was born. I honestly believe this. The circumstances that brought her to us are just too perfect not to be God's plan. I just have to be prepared for all those "Whys?"

GIVEAWAY

If you have children these cards are so darn cute! Also make great business cards!

Check out these social cards.

http://www.socialcirclecards.etsy.com/

Amanda has teamed up with Handmade Success and is offering a chance to win a free set of these cards to whoever follows her directions on the blog

http://www.handmadesuccess.blogspot.com/

Go check it out!! Great way to advertise your blog also!!

My Party Girl

Here is a picture of my girl at one of her cousin's birthday parties. I had to share this because I just LOVE these hair bows. If you have little girls in your families you need to check out this website. She has more than just cake hairbows....you will be delighted!

www.goldilocksbarrettes.etsy.com

This "cake" hair bow is her official birthday party hair accessory!!

Approaching Two

Me & my daughter are very close.....but she is now approaching two yrs of age, and I can see subtle changes in her. She is starting to challenge my authority. If I correct her, ask her to do something, she just looks at me like yeah, and what are you going to do about it if I don't? I have put her in time out and she knows she is in trouble then, she'll hang her little head and say "Soshie in trouble" I'll tell her yes she is in trouble and it breaks her heart, and she'll start crying. Which in turn breaks my heart, now I fully understand what my parents meant when they said "this hurts me more than it does you". I used to think bunkass, that's poop!! But I so get it now. I know in life she is going to experience a lot of hurt, I never wanted to be a part of that. But little did I know this beautiful baby would challenge me the way she does. I know I have to correct her, make her pick up her toys, and behave....but why does it have to break her heart? I don't ever want her to experience any hurt, but I know this is a necessary part of life. I just hope she knows or will one day realize I only have her best interests at heart. It's like my Uncle always taught his children. Not everyone in this world loves you like I do, and everyone doesn't have to like you, so don't give them any reason to not like you right off the bat!! My grandmother always said, I'm here to your parent not your friend, to her children, but she was their friend. They just didn't see it that way until later in life. I want to instill this into my daughter early on in life, I know she probably won't "get it" until she has children of her own, like me. I hate breaking her heart by disciplining her, but I know it must be done for own good.

Oh my gosh, I looked at my daughter yesterday and I swear she has sprouted overnight, yes I know all parents go through this. You have to understand this is my BABY, probably my ONLY BABY, it's not looking as though adoption is going to be in our future again unless we win the lottery!

You know,......I had a dream before she was born that her birth mom gave birth to a two year old, and I just kept saying NO I wanted a BABY, this can't be my baby......

Well wide awake ~~~~~ here I am almost two years later and I have a baby approaching 2yrs of age. Where did that time go? I remember watching her being born, so I know she was once a tiny baby. I look at the pictures and it scares me...... I can't remember how it felt to hold that tiny baby, I can't remember how she looked unless I look at the pictures of her. I miss my BABY, yet I've got this beautiful 21 month old, that I know so well.

She is napping at the moment and sometimes I just lay beside her and watch her tiny little chest rise and fall in such a peaceful rhythm, and it just puts my heart at peace. Sometimes she giggles in her sleep and it just warms my soul, sometimes she cries out and I reach out and pull her close and let her know mommy is here.

I do still get to hold her ......when she wants me too, and ONLY if she wants me to (little miss independent) . I treasure these days when she is so clingy (far and few in between). I do stop what I am doing and hold this beautiful little girl as tight as she wants me to, because I know these beautiful days will pass also, and soon I'll be sending her off to school! Dishes, laundry, paying bills, doing the floors, cleaning .......all of that CAN wait it won't be going anywhere. My baby is going somewhere.... she's growing up, and that I don't want to miss, because I had to do the dishes!!!

The Homestudy : Part One

If you are adopting and are wondering what is a home study and what happens, I will be glad to share what I know with you.

We did a domestic adoption so I can not say out of the country adoption home studies are the same. It depends on what the particular country wants to know about you.

The agency that did our home study has actually closed now, which makes me sad, they were absolutely wonderful to work with. The social worker they assigned us, was actually adopted herself, and she offered us some insight, on how to handle telling our daughter. She is a wonderful warm person.
They sent us lots of papers to fill out. Tons of questions to answer. Most of which you have no idea you are going to be asked. I will list some of them here.

How were you raised? How well do you get along with your parents now? As a teenager? How were you disciplined? Were you spanked, grounded, time outs, items taken away from you? They asked all kinds of questions about extended family and siblings. We were asked how we plan to discipline, how we plan to tell our daughter she's adopted. How we felt about birth moms in general, did we think they were bad people for giving up their child? How do your parents get along? Now & when you were growing up. Worst time of your life, best time of your life, each and as a couple. They want stories from your childhood, young adulthood, and now. Etc, etc.

They give you a thorough examination of your childhood, your life from birth until the point at which your hire them to do your home study. I will not lie it is invasive, and you are asked some questions that you have no idea how to answer, you are scared to tell the truth, and scared not to tell the truth. However, you will survive it, and you might learn something about yourself or your spouse in the process.

The biggest thing that bothered us was how many times we were asked the same questions by everyone involved in our adoption process. We felt like a broken record, that was hard. You wonder why can't all these people share your information?

Our first visit with our social worker was actually very pleasant. We enjoyed talking with her so much, we didn't want her to leave. She was actually the first human face we had met involved in our adoption. She was full of answers and advice. She looked over our home , they do this to make sure you have a safe environment to raise a child. They are not looking for dirt or skeletons in the closet, however I would recommend a clean house to show them. After her walk through we sat at the dining room table and just went over all of the questions we had been given to answer at an earlier date. She then asked some additional questions about our life, each and together. She then took her notes and wrote a story about us!! It was wonderful.

Next Visit with her was after baby comes home!!

Just A Note....

My daughter told me yesterday that she loved me. Which I knew she did, every time she brings those little arms around my neck so tight and squeezes, it just warms me all over, but to hear her say it. AWESOME , whether or not she really understands it yet!!

I am her disciplinarian I am mainly the one who is always telling her no, and popping her little chubby hands if she is into mischief and I've already told her no. I worried that she would not like me, and like her daddy and granny more than me because they let her get away with a lot more than I do. I am trying to teach my beautiful baby to pick up her toys, stay out of mommy's cabinets, and not to touch other people's things, not to do things that will hurt her, and to listen to mommy, because after all mommy knows best!! Not that her daddy or granny would let her get hurt, but she gets away with a lot more than I let her! Which I am learning from other people this is the natural order of things!!

I see lots of children today who get away with everything because parents are so afraid to tell them "NO". All these new politically correct ways to correct your children. I watch children whose parents say "no', but don't follow through. The worst thing you can do to your child is make empty threats. You are teaching them you can't be trusted. If you won't follow through on discipline, then you won't follow through on much else. Children quickly figure this out. I never make a threat or promise I don't keep. I follow through no matter what. I want my daughter to know when I say something I mean it. That goes for rewards also. I want her to know she can trust mommy no matter what. Hopefully creating this bond now will help in her tween & teen years. I want her to know that she can trust me & come to me her problems.

First Adoption talk

Well, the other day my beautiful daughter and I were in her "new Room" lounging on her new purple bean bag, her with her kitty and her pap pap in her mouth, me just there. I started off our conversation. "Sophie, you know you are adopted." She turns her tiny head towards me and says "uh huh" (which is her new favorite word, and answer to most questions)..I say to her "that means someone else carried you in her tummy under her heart for mommy, because mommy can't carry babies, did you know that?" again she turns her sweet tiny head to me and says "uh huh" I continue to tell her that I love her just as if I had carried her in my tummy, under my heart for 9 months. Again she says "uh huh" I go on to tell her where she was born, who carried her for mommy, and how she became part of our family. It went very well I think. Even though she doesn't really understand what I was saying I figure by the time she does understand I will have my "adoption" conversation down pat. One of my biggest fears is that one day she will feel lonely and out of place. So I keep reading on how to how to help her understand that adoption is a decision made out of love and not one of abandonment. I was extremely scared of "open adoption", but now I am so happy we decided it would be okay. I love her birth mom and birth family, and I want her to know them, love them, and have them in her life.

It is my opinion that an open adoption and knowing your birth story, will keep the fantasy of "One day my "real parents" are going to come and get me" away. She will know why she was placed for adoption into our family, and she will know by who. She will understand we are mom & dad and will always be here for her no matter what and that we love her so much, and that she has another family who also cares about her.

So as I end our conversation I tell her "We'll have this conversation many times, and mommy will always tell you what you want to know, okay baby?' She turns her tiny head towards me and says "Okay baby."

The Desire Never Goes Away

Just a quick note today...someone I know just had a baby. While it no longer haunts me like it used to, I do still get that pang in my heart. The baby looks just like her, and I look at this baby and all floods back, no one will ever say to me "she looks just like you" I just get looks like I don't know if i should ask or not ? Did you cheat on your husband or is this your child, or is she adopted? I always get the question, where did all that dark hair come from? As much as I love my daughter, I do still hurt that I will never experience pregnancy, and morning sickness, I will never experience giving birth, and I will never hear someone say "Aw how cute she looks just like you!" My husband says it is something I have to let to go, but he'll never get how deep the desire is to procreate and you want to give birth to something that spectacular. Men only have the desire to spread their seed, and we have the deep desire to carry a child of our own. I know some say I have it great I have a beautiful daughter and I didn't have to go through 9 months of sickness and bloating. Well I do have the most beautiful daughter, and I did go through a of "stuff" to get her, stuff you will never understand unless you go through it! So be careful pregnant mommies not to complain about those pregnancy pains because you might be talking to someone who would give their left arm to be having those same pregnancy pains! I am truly happy for my friends and family who can birth their children, really I am. I just want them to realize what a miracle it truly is.

When I fell In Love

Our beautiful daughter was born on Jan. 5th, and that's the day I fell head over heels in love. Everyone kept telling me you will love the baby just as though you gave birth to it, and I kept saying of course I would. But I did worry about what if I don't? What if I can't handle raising a baby. I've always thought I would be a good mother, but how do you really know? My grandmother raised several of her brother & sisters children and she assured me I would love this baby just as if I had given birth to it. She had literally raised many children that she eventually had to let go back home and some back to an orphanage, she wanted to keep them all . She was a wonderful woman and perhaps I got my love for children from her. She was warm and loving, and just always there for you. (My mom is just as wonderful).

Anyway I did wonder would I love this baby or would I want to give it back? We didn't know the sex of the baby until she was born. So we hadn't decided on a name, and didn't really have an attachment formed. I mean I loved this baby beginning a long time before we were ever matched with a birth mom, but I think I loved the idea of having my very own bundle of joy. I loved my brother's babies like they were my own, I kept them during the day and we had formed some tight bonds, I treated them as if they were my own, (and still do), So I felt like I knew what I would feel for this baby. Well I am here to tell you, I really had no idea!

I did love her from the moment we were matched with her birth mom, it was odd, I was afraid to get my heart all involved, but the further we got into things, I found myself daydreaming about the day I could my hold my baby. We finally bought a crib, and nursery furniture, sort of afraid we had jumped the gun, because we didn't know if this birth mom would change her mind. At this point we were at her mercy. I mean I could understand if she would've changed her mind, but I prayed very hard she would not. We were matched with her in September 2007, she picked us. WOW! Someone picked us!! The first time I was scared she had changed her mind was when she decided to move back home to CA. Well God can answer more than one "wish" at a time. I have always wanted to drive to CA, plus I WILL NOT fly! I cried for three days when she moved back to CA. I was scared her family would talk her into keeping her ! I was scared we wouldn't get there before the baby was born (make sure there are provisions in place for this) After the initial shock and freaking out wore off, I got excited about driving to across country, after all I have always wanted to do this!!

Back to my baby's birthday! I got to be in the room when she was born.....when she came popping out I cried "It's a girl" we would have loved any baby but we all secretly wanted a girl! (God really knows what he is doing you better believe it!!) They placed her up on the birth mom's chest and I was right there at her shoulder and I thought looking at the baby "Oh no ..what have I done....I don't want to do this....I don't want a baby..." then that beautiful baby opened her eyes and blinked up at me...and IT WAS ALL OVER.....I WAS IN LOVE...HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE!!!

The Birth: A Day at The Hospital

Finally the day we've been waiting for !! We arrive at the hospital Friday morning January 4th, 2008. The birth mom is being induced this morning. Our adoption counselor asked us if we needed her there. She would come, but only if we felt we needed her. Well never doing this before we didn't know to say yes, so to keep her from driving 4 hours to be with us, we said no. BIG mistake. The waiting room was fine before the birth of our baby, but after she was born we began to experience yet something else we never expected and were never advised about. We knew the hospital had the birth mom's plan & requests for the birth. We could be in the room but above her head. She wanted to hold the baby by herself first. We could name her. We could dress her. Etc., Etc. The hospital did confirm having this and we went through proving who we were, the adoptive parents, we talked to the hospital social worker, yet, no one advised the nurses of the nursery. There was absolutely no protocol for what was to happen after the baby was born. They did let me go in while they bathed the baby and did all the newborn stuff they do to babies. Then they swaddled her and said they were taking her to the mom for her to feed her. What? I am the mom, and I will feed her, her first bottle. No we have to take her to her mom. I AM HER MOM. So we made a phone to our adoption counselor for advice, and she talked to the head nurse and let her know the birth mom was not to handle baby, was not to feed, change, or hold the baby much if at all. They didn't want her making emotional ties with the baby to let the adoptive parents do all of that. Well that led to making the birth mom angry. So neither of us had been prepared for the hospital time. The nurses finally let us sit in their storage room so we could hold our new baby girl and they even let my mom come back with us. They did let me feed her, her first bottle, but I had to fight to do that. Finally I talked to birth mom and she didn't want the baby to stay in the nursery all night, so she offered me to stay with her in the room with the baby, so that is what I did. That night we talked a lot and I got to know more about her. Turns out that this was her second adoption placement, and she knew what she could handle and what she wanted to handle. I am so glad I got to spend that time with her. I have wonderful things to tell my daughter about her biological mom. After talking with the birth mom that night, I knew she knew exactly what she wanted and all my fears of her changing her mind dissolved. She was confident in her choice of parents, yes I asked, now that you have met us, do you have any reservations, do you feel like you made the right choice? She made me feel completely at ease and let me be the mother to our baby. After this time with her I have a completely new respect for her, and dare I say love for her.

So before you go to the hospital to be there for the birth of your baby, make sure you have representation there to handle the nurses. They don't do adoptions everyday and they really didn't know what to do. It was awkward for them not to take the baby to spend all the time with the birth mom. See if the hospital can make some sort of accommodations for you to spend with your baby, maybe even if you have to pay to stay in a room of your own. Just so if you have family there, they will have somewhere to hang out, where they can visit with the baby also, without everyone crowding the birth mom. She may not want everyone around her cuddling and cooing over the baby she is giving up. Or be sure to discuss all of this with her beforehand, so everyone knows what to do at the hospital.

The Best Worst Day of My Life

Yes, it's a crazy first title, for this blog. You see I'm starting my daughter's adoption story. I'm beginning sort of in the middle of our adoption process, because I want you to know what I never thought of, first. Does that make sense? Maybe not but here goes our story.

Meeting the birthfamily at a place like "Chucky Cheese" this will be our last visit with them before we head home all the way across the Unidted States. See we've already been here a month our new baby born only two weeks ago. We got to take her home (to the hotel) the day after her birth, she has been with us from her small beginning. Her "birthfamily" would come to visit, a wonderful family I might add, we got to be very friendly with them, we even went to church with them one Sunday.

Okay so two children in the birthfamily come with the birthmom and birthgrandmother. The children are playing games, and we're all passing the baby girl around for everyone to hold. A very nice pizza meal we had together. Okay time to load up and head back to the hotel, we must pack and get ready to go home to the other side of the United States. Then it hits me......haven't even thought of this...I've been so excited about finally having the baby of our dreams. It crosses my mind....HOW can I take this baby from the person who carried her under heart for 9 months? How can I take this beautiful baby girl from a family who loves her too? How can I take this baby of theirs so far across the world.......almost felt like we'd be a planet away from these people who brought this beautiful baby into the world. I started to tear up, the birthmom says to me "don't cry" and all I can think is how can I walk away with this baby? You know all along I had been worried what if she changes her mind? What if the family talks her into keeping her? Never once did I wonder how I would take walking away with someone's heart. NOT ONE of the adoption professionals I had talked to and been working with ever even mentioned this. I was a mess the rest of the night, the birthmother was calm and at peace with her decission to hand her child to us to raise and love. Not that I doubted we could raise this beautiful baby with all the love in our hearts, it was imagining how I would feel if I was letting my baby go with these strangers to be raised. Will they love her like me? Will they take extra special care of my baby? Will they tell her who I am? Being infertile and not able to birth a baby, I can't imagine giving my baby up. But this birthmom is the most amazing person I have ever met. (Not that I didn't wonder on several occassions that she would change her mind...more on that later) Not once did she let me see her cry, I don't know if she ever did. Not once did she falter in her decission and not once did she make me feel bad. She knew this baby girl needed a mom , dad, and a home with no regrets. She must have felt the love we have for this beautiful baby girl.

If you are thinking of adopting please consider how you will feel walking away with someone's heart. I'm not trying to discourage you at all. I'm just letting you know it can hit you pretty hard, when the time comes. I would have liked someone to talk to me about the feelings that come over you when you say "goodbye" to the birthfamily, and take your little bundle home. I wish I would have been prepared. As wonderful as bringing my baby home to a family that already loves her so much, I am still taking her away from one that loves her also. How did I come to terms with it? Well I'm not sure I have yet. I still wonder is our love as warm as that womb was when she was growing inside her birthmom's tummy?