Saturday, July 30, 2011

Wow! Someone said "IT"

You know it's going to happen,  yet you really don't know what to say when it does. Someone says to your adopted child "I wish you would have stayed with your other mommy and never came here." 
You kind of expect this kind of stuff on the playground at school,  but in your very own home,  by a child you love as your own?  Well it happened,  and I don't know if I handled correctly or not but I do know it broke my heart. 

 My daughter wasn't as affected by it as I was. 

The children I keep during the day are related to me,  and I love them very much, which is why I suppose this hurt me so bad. They were told to clean up my daughter's bedroom before lunch was to be served. They had all been in there playing all morning,  and I believe they had every toy in the floor.  Well one of the children was so upset that now they had to clean up the mess they all made,  she looked at my daughter and said "I wish you would have stayed with your other mommy and never came here."  When I heard those words my head started spinning, "What did you just say?" I asked the child.  Then she repeated to me what she had said. Shocked, I put my hands on her shoulders and asked her how she would feel if someone told her they didn't want her around?  Of course I know she didn't really mean it,  after all she was just thinking if my daughter weren't here she wouldn't have to clean her room.  Little does she know she still would have been cleaning up any mess in any room they had made it in even if we had never adopted our daughter! But anyway,  she knew she had messed up and told me it would hurt very bad if we told her she wasn't wanted around. I asked her would she like me to tell her "I wish you never would have been born into this family?"  She said no that would be very mean.  SO I reminded her that my daughter was born into this family also,  just in a different way than she was. I also firmly reminded her to never say that again, to my daughter or to anyone for that matter.
I guess this hit me so hard because it is one of my greatest fears,  that my daughter will one day feel like she is not part of this "family" because she isn't biologically attached to us. That we could send her back.  That we don't love her as much because she is adopted. That we too wish she would have stayed with her birth mommy. 
Of course this will never happen,  as she is our daughter in every sense of the word.  We love her more than we could ever explain.  She is the light of our lives. She will always be our precious baby.
I just hope that she will understand this and be able to let things like this go without paying much attention to them. Like she did this time....I asked her did she hear what the other child had said?  and she says to me "Yes mommy, she was talking about my other mommy,  and that's okay mommy, I don't mind." So thank goodness she didn't really understand what the other child had said.


  1. My heart breaks over this as well, we have adopted two children *within* our family but it has still been hard at times... Keep loving her and loving her - she WILL know the difference and it WILL be worth it all!

  2. I think you handled it in the best way you could. How old was the child who said this? Also,you can say (and maybe you did), it doesn't matter who's room this is, you all made the mess and now all need to clean up. We all have to clean up messes that we make. My husbands sister and her husband could not have children and they adopted two (within 3 years of each other) at birth. A boy and a girl. Those children are theirs. The people who raise you are your parents. Not the sperm and egg donors. You are with them through everything. You are the parent and your daughter is so very lucky to have been placed in your hands. And thank heavens their are people out there willing to admit that they can not, for whatever reason, raise a child they brought into the world and let that child go to a family that so much wants to raise children.

    Your daughter will know (and probably already does) how much she is loved and cherished by you all!

  3. Thank you both for your comments of support it means a lot!

    Leta the child that said this is 4 yrs old. I know she didn't understand how bad that statement could hurt someone. I hope I helped her understand that, and she that won't ever say that to someone else , my daughter or anyone she may meet in the future who may be adopted! I know my daughter knows how much she is loved, I worry mainly about the teenage years, when children often feel so alone anyway!! That's one reason we decided to tell her about her being adopted from the very beginning and not "spring" it on her when she is older! We want it to be her normal and be familiar with her birth family also!

  4. My dearly departed Grandmother used to say that "the hardest job in the world is being a parent, you can't go to College to get an education or learn how to be one...." and of course, she was right......Parenting is something we learn on a day-to-day basis, coupled with handled the situation with firm love at the time (which is when situations need to be handled ) and are parenting with that beautiful, in-grained, unconditional love that 100% of us are given by our Creator.....Go in peace and love, and know that you have done/are doing the right thing!

  5. Thank you Carolyn ~ I miss my grandmother so bad! She was truly a woman who understood loving children you did not give birth too! She had 3 of her own, but raised many of her siblings children, in the toughest of times! She's the one who told me not to worry, I would love this child like I had given birth to her. SHE was so right, I can't imagine loving anyone more.

  6. Oh my gosh Becky! That's horrible! I think you handled it in stellar fashion, though! Becky, no matter what anyone ever says, YOU are her mommy. You are the one that's been raising her and giving her everything. That other woman simply gave birth to her. There's a difference between giving birth and being a mommy and not everyone gets that.

    Kids will always be kids and they can be horrifically cruel sometimes. You did the right thing - for both of them. I don't know that I would have handled it quite as well as you. Kudos to you....and you deserve every precious hug and smile that Sophie gives to you!

  7. I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. You handled the situation wonderfully even though it must have felt like a knife was in your heart. Major hugs to you!