The Desire Never Goes Away

Just a quick note today...someone I know just had a baby. While it no longer haunts me like it used to, I do still get that pang in my heart. The baby looks just like her, and I look at this baby and all floods back, no one will ever say to me "she looks just like you" I just get looks like I don't know if i should ask or not ? Did you cheat on your husband or is this your child, or is she adopted? I always get the question, where did all that dark hair come from? As much as I love my daughter, I do still hurt that I will never experience pregnancy, and morning sickness, I will never experience giving birth, and I will never hear someone say "Aw how cute she looks just like you!" My husband says it is something I have to let to go, but he'll never get how deep the desire is to procreate and you want to give birth to something that spectacular. Men only have the desire to spread their seed, and we have the deep desire to carry a child of our own. I know some say I have it great I have a beautiful daughter and I didn't have to go through 9 months of sickness and bloating. Well I do have the most beautiful daughter, and I did go through a of "stuff" to get her, stuff you will never understand unless you go through it! So be careful pregnant mommies not to complain about those pregnancy pains because you might be talking to someone who would give their left arm to be having those same pregnancy pains! I am truly happy for my friends and family who can birth their children, really I am. I just want them to realize what a miracle it truly is.

When I fell In Love

Our beautiful daughter was born on Jan. 5th, and that's the day I fell head over heels in love. Everyone kept telling me you will love the baby just as though you gave birth to it, and I kept saying of course I would. But I did worry about what if I don't? What if I can't handle raising a baby. I've always thought I would be a good mother, but how do you really know? My grandmother raised several of her brother & sisters children and she assured me I would love this baby just as if I had given birth to it. She had literally raised many children that she eventually had to let go back home and some back to an orphanage, she wanted to keep them all . She was a wonderful woman and perhaps I got my love for children from her. She was warm and loving, and just always there for you. (My mom is just as wonderful).

Anyway I did wonder would I love this baby or would I want to give it back? We didn't know the sex of the baby until she was born. So we hadn't decided on a name, and didn't really have an attachment formed. I mean I loved this baby beginning a long time before we were ever matched with a birth mom, but I think I loved the idea of having my very own bundle of joy. I loved my brother's babies like they were my own, I kept them during the day and we had formed some tight bonds, I treated them as if they were my own, (and still do), So I felt like I knew what I would feel for this baby. Well I am here to tell you, I really had no idea!

I did love her from the moment we were matched with her birth mom, it was odd, I was afraid to get my heart all involved, but the further we got into things, I found myself daydreaming about the day I could my hold my baby. We finally bought a crib, and nursery furniture, sort of afraid we had jumped the gun, because we didn't know if this birth mom would change her mind. At this point we were at her mercy. I mean I could understand if she would've changed her mind, but I prayed very hard she would not. We were matched with her in September 2007, she picked us. WOW! Someone picked us!! The first time I was scared she had changed her mind was when she decided to move back home to CA. Well God can answer more than one "wish" at a time. I have always wanted to drive to CA, plus I WILL NOT fly! I cried for three days when she moved back to CA. I was scared her family would talk her into keeping her ! I was scared we wouldn't get there before the baby was born (make sure there are provisions in place for this) After the initial shock and freaking out wore off, I got excited about driving to across country, after all I have always wanted to do this!!

Back to my baby's birthday! I got to be in the room when she was born.....when she came popping out I cried "It's a girl" we would have loved any baby but we all secretly wanted a girl! (God really knows what he is doing you better believe it!!) They placed her up on the birth mom's chest and I was right there at her shoulder and I thought looking at the baby "Oh no ..what have I done....I don't want to do this....I don't want a baby..." then that beautiful baby opened her eyes and blinked up at me...and IT WAS ALL OVER.....I WAS IN LOVE...HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE!!!

The Birth: A Day at The Hospital

Finally the day we've been waiting for !! We arrive at the hospital Friday morning January 4th, 2008. The birth mom is being induced this morning. Our adoption counselor asked us if we needed her there. She would come, but only if we felt we needed her. Well never doing this before we didn't know to say yes, so to keep her from driving 4 hours to be with us, we said no. BIG mistake. The waiting room was fine before the birth of our baby, but after she was born we began to experience yet something else we never expected and were never advised about. We knew the hospital had the birth mom's plan & requests for the birth. We could be in the room but above her head. She wanted to hold the baby by herself first. We could name her. We could dress her. Etc., Etc. The hospital did confirm having this and we went through proving who we were, the adoptive parents, we talked to the hospital social worker, yet, no one advised the nurses of the nursery. There was absolutely no protocol for what was to happen after the baby was born. They did let me go in while they bathed the baby and did all the newborn stuff they do to babies. Then they swaddled her and said they were taking her to the mom for her to feed her. What? I am the mom, and I will feed her, her first bottle. No we have to take her to her mom. I AM HER MOM. So we made a phone to our adoption counselor for advice, and she talked to the head nurse and let her know the birth mom was not to handle baby, was not to feed, change, or hold the baby much if at all. They didn't want her making emotional ties with the baby to let the adoptive parents do all of that. Well that led to making the birth mom angry. So neither of us had been prepared for the hospital time. The nurses finally let us sit in their storage room so we could hold our new baby girl and they even let my mom come back with us. They did let me feed her, her first bottle, but I had to fight to do that. Finally I talked to birth mom and she didn't want the baby to stay in the nursery all night, so she offered me to stay with her in the room with the baby, so that is what I did. That night we talked a lot and I got to know more about her. Turns out that this was her second adoption placement, and she knew what she could handle and what she wanted to handle. I am so glad I got to spend that time with her. I have wonderful things to tell my daughter about her biological mom. After talking with the birth mom that night, I knew she knew exactly what she wanted and all my fears of her changing her mind dissolved. She was confident in her choice of parents, yes I asked, now that you have met us, do you have any reservations, do you feel like you made the right choice? She made me feel completely at ease and let me be the mother to our baby. After this time with her I have a completely new respect for her, and dare I say love for her.

So before you go to the hospital to be there for the birth of your baby, make sure you have representation there to handle the nurses. They don't do adoptions everyday and they really didn't know what to do. It was awkward for them not to take the baby to spend all the time with the birth mom. See if the hospital can make some sort of accommodations for you to spend with your baby, maybe even if you have to pay to stay in a room of your own. Just so if you have family there, they will have somewhere to hang out, where they can visit with the baby also, without everyone crowding the birth mom. She may not want everyone around her cuddling and cooing over the baby she is giving up. Or be sure to discuss all of this with her beforehand, so everyone knows what to do at the hospital.

The Best Worst Day of My Life

Yes, it's a crazy first title, for this blog. You see I'm starting my daughter's adoption story. I'm beginning sort of in the middle of our adoption process, because I want you to know what I never thought of, first. Does that make sense? Maybe not but here goes our story.

Meeting the birthfamily at a place like "Chucky Cheese" this will be our last visit with them before we head home all the way across the Unidted States. See we've already been here a month our new baby born only two weeks ago. We got to take her home (to the hotel) the day after her birth, she has been with us from her small beginning. Her "birthfamily" would come to visit, a wonderful family I might add, we got to be very friendly with them, we even went to church with them one Sunday.

Okay so two children in the birthfamily come with the birthmom and birthgrandmother. The children are playing games, and we're all passing the baby girl around for everyone to hold. A very nice pizza meal we had together. Okay time to load up and head back to the hotel, we must pack and get ready to go home to the other side of the United States. Then it hits me......haven't even thought of this...I've been so excited about finally having the baby of our dreams. It crosses my mind....HOW can I take this baby from the person who carried her under heart for 9 months? How can I take this beautiful baby girl from a family who loves her too? How can I take this baby of theirs so far across the world.......almost felt like we'd be a planet away from these people who brought this beautiful baby into the world. I started to tear up, the birthmom says to me "don't cry" and all I can think is how can I walk away with this baby? You know all along I had been worried what if she changes her mind? What if the family talks her into keeping her? Never once did I wonder how I would take walking away with someone's heart. NOT ONE of the adoption professionals I had talked to and been working with ever even mentioned this. I was a mess the rest of the night, the birthmother was calm and at peace with her decission to hand her child to us to raise and love. Not that I doubted we could raise this beautiful baby with all the love in our hearts, it was imagining how I would feel if I was letting my baby go with these strangers to be raised. Will they love her like me? Will they take extra special care of my baby? Will they tell her who I am? Being infertile and not able to birth a baby, I can't imagine giving my baby up. But this birthmom is the most amazing person I have ever met. (Not that I didn't wonder on several occassions that she would change her mind...more on that later) Not once did she let me see her cry, I don't know if she ever did. Not once did she falter in her decission and not once did she make me feel bad. She knew this baby girl needed a mom , dad, and a home with no regrets. She must have felt the love we have for this beautiful baby girl.

If you are thinking of adopting please consider how you will feel walking away with someone's heart. I'm not trying to discourage you at all. I'm just letting you know it can hit you pretty hard, when the time comes. I would have liked someone to talk to me about the feelings that come over you when you say "goodbye" to the birthfamily, and take your little bundle home. I wish I would have been prepared. As wonderful as bringing my baby home to a family that already loves her so much, I am still taking her away from one that loves her also. How did I come to terms with it? Well I'm not sure I have yet. I still wonder is our love as warm as that womb was when she was growing inside her birthmom's tummy?