Friday, July 17, 2009

When I fell In Love

Our beautiful daughter was born on Jan. 5th, and that's the day I fell head over heels in love. Everyone kept telling me you will love the baby just as though you gave birth to it, and I kept saying of course I would. But I did worry about what if I don't? What if I can't handle raising a baby. I've always thought I would be a good mother, but how do you really know? My grandmother raised several of her brother & sisters children and she assured me I would love this baby just as if I had given birth to it. She had literally raised many children that she eventually had to let go back home and some back to an orphanage, she wanted to keep them all . She was a wonderful woman and perhaps I got my love for children from her. She was warm and loving, and just always there for you. (My mom is just as wonderful).

Anyway I did wonder would I love this baby or would I want to give it back? We didn't know the sex of the baby until she was born. So we hadn't decided on a name, and didn't really have an attachment formed. I mean I loved this baby beginning a long time before we were ever matched with a birth mom, but I think I loved the idea of having my very own bundle of joy. I loved my brother's babies like they were my own, I kept them during the day and we had formed some tight bonds, I treated them as if they were my own, (and still do), So I felt like I knew what I would feel for this baby. Well I am here to tell you, I really had no idea!

I did love her from the moment we were matched with her birth mom, it was odd, I was afraid to get my heart all involved, but the further we got into things, I found myself daydreaming about the day I could my hold my baby. We finally bought a crib, and nursery furniture, sort of afraid we had jumped the gun, because we didn't know if this birth mom would change her mind. At this point we were at her mercy. I mean I could understand if she would've changed her mind, but I prayed very hard she would not. We were matched with her in September 2007, she picked us. WOW! Someone picked us!! The first time I was scared she had changed her mind was when she decided to move back home to CA. Well God can answer more than one "wish" at a time. I have always wanted to drive to CA, plus I WILL NOT fly! I cried for three days when she moved back to CA. I was scared her family would talk her into keeping her ! I was scared we wouldn't get there before the baby was born (make sure there are provisions in place for this) After the initial shock and freaking out wore off, I got excited about driving to across country, after all I have always wanted to do this!!

Back to my baby's birthday! I got to be in the room when she was born.....when she came popping out I cried "It's a girl" we would have loved any baby but we all secretly wanted a girl! (God really knows what he is doing you better believe it!!) They placed her up on the birth mom's chest and I was right there at her shoulder and I thought looking at the baby "Oh no ..what have I done....I don't want to do this....I don't want a baby..." then that beautiful baby opened her eyes and blinked up at me...and IT WAS ALL OVER.....I WAS IN LOVE...HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE!!!

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